home at last

i'm back. home. finally. i've been back in portland for just over a week and it's soooo good to be home. it's been a very surreal experience returning after so long and it's been overwhelming at times with all that i have to do to re-settle and re-establish myself here. i've been kind of a bad girl when it comes to my transformation goals. not terrible, i suppose i've been in maintenance mode, but i haven't really made any visible progress either. i've been much more slack with my eating than normal and i haven't really had too many structured workouts yet (although i've gotten in lots of modified bodyweight workouts, some yoga, and i've been reunited with my bike!). part of that is due to the fact that i sprained my ankle my last day in london and it's partially due to the fact that i don't have a gym yet. although i've really liked the bodyweight workouts, i really prefer working out a gym rather than at home. i tend to get too distracted or not focus on intensity when i'm working out at home. i think that if i had some dumbbells and a stability ball that would help, but when i go to the gym it feels like more of a commitment and i tend to workout harder. my brain's just weird that way. i've found it really difficult to keep my focus squared on where i eventually want to be in terms of my body composition when i'm going through so much transition. that, combined with all the dinners/drink/bbqs with friends that i haven't seen in two years and i don't quite feel like i've struck the balance i'm looking for. i manage pretty well when i have my eyes on the prize determination and when i don't, i tend to relax everything a bit too much but i still don't feel like i've quite mastered that somewhere in between. i know that i'm closer than i've ever been and i feel like the rewards of clean eating and exercise have been hardwired into my brain at some subconscious level because i do find that i now naturally tend towards better decisions most of the time. but there's still room for improvement...